party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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