if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
