Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
