I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
