Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
