Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
