rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm having to shit out rocks
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
