Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
