I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
