I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
