Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
