just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
