I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
