i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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