it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm like, not good at living.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
