Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
