Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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