Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So squirting runs in the family.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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