just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
