If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
