So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
