I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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