so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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