Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
