just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
