If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
