I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
