How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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