i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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