I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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