I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
