nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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