I smell stomach acid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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