And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
