I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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