I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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