I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize