my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
