Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
