Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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