I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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