remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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