Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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