i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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