They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
