i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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