My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
