i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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