So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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