so that wasnt chicken after all
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
