I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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