Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
