the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
