You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
