weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
