don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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