i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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