wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
