im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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