You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
