I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
