One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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