I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
